Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie
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Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
You had me at “define legal”.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Ok who’s got my black socks?
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?