“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
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I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
oh good, now I can stop drinking
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut