Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
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boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
i will avenge u mr van gogh
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man