Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
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I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end