Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
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I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.