Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
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(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
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My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
three things we don’t talk about
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.