Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
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Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
i want the dreams to chase me for once
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015