does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
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Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach