“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
You Might Also Like
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.