Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
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Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?