Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.

My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.

*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*

Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long

Hedgehog: no

That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.

if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work

barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand

My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.

CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore

also CEOs:

[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that

Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.

Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.

Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool

That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.

I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat

I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.

He’s hoping to make big bucks.

obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two

One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.

If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.

Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.

Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.

Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.

Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap

God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago

Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha

God *creates salt*

I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up

ME: you really put the cute in executione-

WARDEN: alright hit the switch

“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.

“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.

“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”

At Walmart during the holidays like..

Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen