Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
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There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
So glad we cleared that up
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Do not steal food from the science building!
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?