@ieatanddrink

Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?

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@TheSweetestD_

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

@stevevsninjas

Dad, did you let the parrot name me?

– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.

@behindyourback

overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today

Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”

@PLATINUM2000

Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.

@rockymomax

CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing

@zachreinert0

I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered

@MarfSalvador

Him: *Head in hands*

Her: What’s happened?

Him: Well- I…I… I found this head

@KalvinMacleod

VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?

@BucMarvin

Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.

@Stellacopter

Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.