@jeremyharrisona

“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”

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@XplodingUnicorn

The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.

@jonnysun

did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip

@prufrockluvsong

The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.

Him: Fresh Parmesan?

Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!

@Jake_Vig

With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.

@_Enanem_

I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.

@TheToddWilliams

[Ferrari dealership]

ME: How much for this red one?

SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny

ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*

SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!

@squirrel74wkgn

Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?

(takes off rubber glove)

“You can pull up your pants now.”