“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
You Might Also Like
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
I think this should do it.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.