Roses are red, you always mattered,
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
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The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”