Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
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My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
I have a new favorite meme page
Me too door. Me too.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose