Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
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I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.