does anyone know the password to my work computer? or how to do my job?
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When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
