Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
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How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
john wicks are toilet candles
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Holy shit he’s back
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’