Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
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Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her