Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
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I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Worth remembering.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring