Does anything good ever escape from a lab
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They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Every work meeting this week
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.