Does beer think about me too?
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Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again