Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
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The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
When someone says you are so lazy
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
#Caturday
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.