Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
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nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
I fall in love too easily.
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
ppl with clear cases:
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade