Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
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My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
We cut our bangs at dawn.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.