Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
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[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
My Sentiments Exactly
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.