Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?

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*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*

Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.


Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.

Then I remembered pineapple .


Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.


look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did


Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”


My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.


doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?

me: yes

doctor: and how about this?

me: yes

doctor: and what about this?

me: please stop kissing my mom


*Wakes up*

“Wow I feel pretty good”

*Moves body*

“Maybe I spoke too soon”


I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.

They’re watchdogs.