Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
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I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Breaking news:
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.