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Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
🍛
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
A wise man once said “Just one small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day”
Me: “i think i’ll stay in bed”
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.