Does it…does it take 3 days
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Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx