Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
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I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Yup.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.