“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
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My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
This is the one
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.