*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
You Might Also Like
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
saving face 👀
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Genius idea!!
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.