*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
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I’m so full I could puke a horse
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
How it started How it’s going
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.