Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
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[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?