Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
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I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Cheers Twitter.