@Jazzzzzmina

Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?

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@_davidlucas_

The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.

@1_swarthy_dude

[texting]

HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?

Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium

HG: ?

N: SeNd NeWDs

@LaceyNycole

Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.

Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*

@AllanForsyth

A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.

@funderlaw

I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.

@mdob11

Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.

@traciebreaux

There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH

@STOTLE

Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.

@UNDEADTRESOR

“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft

@offbeatoliv

U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…