@BadNewsRapDudes

Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.

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@yoyoha

If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.

@BobTheSuit

In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.

@kelkulus

Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.

@MavenofHonor

Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”

@PaulShakeySharp

Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.

@BaconPotPie

If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.

@DearAnyone

I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.

@_kayditty

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.