@BadNewsRapDudes

Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.

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@AbbieEvansXO

Him: don’t you want your umbrella?

Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining

Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is

Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin

@KyleMcDowell86

I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna

@funflaps

[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust

[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO

@UncleDuke1969

I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.

@newLettuce

[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible

@UnFitz

Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?

@LackOfShame

“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”

– Credit card chip inventor

– Me, writing tweets

@Tommytoughstuff

[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?

Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?

Him: Not funny.