Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
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I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
any last words?
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
This guy gets it.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what