@yoyoha If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
@BadNewsRapDudes Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
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@yoyoha 
@joaniejabronie boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
@BobTheSuit In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
@kelkulus Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
@Brianhopecomedy My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
@MavenofHonor Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
@PaulShakeySharp Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
@BaconPotPie If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
@DearAnyone I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
@_kayditty Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.