@seancehat [first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
@BadNewsRapDudes Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
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@seancehat 
@aimeevc1970 When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
@Playing_Dad Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
@osigat My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
@Token_Geezer When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
@ruslg1 50 shades of grey = my Liver
@mastrap84 My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
@GreenishDuck Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
@daemonic3 Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
@wildethingy Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.