@BadNewsRapDudes

Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.

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@bestvibess

Black Friday through the years:

2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July

@

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor

@sbellelauren

whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work

@rameshsrivats

Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.

@bamb00zld

Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.

@Wames_Jaters

Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!

#hooters

@mikeyspiritDC

Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”

@mattgallo123

Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.

@nekolot

I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.