Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
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One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.