*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
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Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?