*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
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I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
I just stopped by to water my horse.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.