Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
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[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
We need more people like this.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator