Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
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Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Where’s my employee discount too?
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?