Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
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Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
S O O N
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
same energy
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.