“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
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Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Cake!!
I want what they have
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops