“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
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find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
I ate everything, including the H.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.