Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
You Might Also Like
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
I mean…but I did
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Woke up with morning Yule Log