Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
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My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.