Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
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my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Dance like you’re not the father
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
They got a point!
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend