Does your wife know you’re single?
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What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
I’m already scared
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
181.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family