Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
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Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Sending in my taxes
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.