Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
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Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you