Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
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*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE