@tuckonthis

“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

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@thevirtualidiot

On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.

@HeatherLuvsYou

Jealousy is a horrible green monster.

Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.

🙁

@Amiigat

If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

@DairylandDon

If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.

@jakob_huber

You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.

@MyPornKhan

I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.

@DeadAcct8888888

I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.

@FattMernandez

When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.

@MatCro

[first day as a midwife]

ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!

NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.