“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

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On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.


Jealousy is a horrible green monster.

Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.



If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.


If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.


You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.


I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.


I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.


When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.


[first day as a midwife]

ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!

NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.