“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
You Might Also Like
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
White parent Vs Arab parents
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer