“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

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I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.

He’s awfully thin…


All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.


I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.


I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..


*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*


If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.


[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse


“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms


Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?