@tuckonthis

“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

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@Alex_N_Chains

I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.

He’s awfully thin…

@noog

All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.

@Emsrsue

I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.

@Token_Geezer

I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..

@ch000ch

*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*

@karlykingsley

If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.

@liljonlovitz

[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse

@edfoxcomedy

“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms

@WilliamAder

Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?