*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
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Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot