*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
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Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
dutch is not a serious language
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.